


shame on me for having a human heart

by bilgegungoren00



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Legion - Freeform, Legion of SuperHeroes - Freeform, Post 3x07, be prepared, but it'll be worth it, like lots and lots of angst, speculation fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-07 04:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12833607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilgegungoren00/pseuds/bilgegungoren00
Summary: It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.After seeing Mon-El together with his wife, Kara believes that she lost him forever. But, as she'll soon find out, nothing is ever what it seems.Post 3x07





	1. Apologies

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello y'all!
> 
> so, ever since i watched 3x07, i've been reading theories online as to what could be happening. and this one theory that i've read (i wished i could remember the original post, but i completely forgot lol) sparked an idea in my mind, and i thought...why not write it? soooo, hope you like this?
> 
> \- WARNING - this contains spoilers up to 3x07 of Supergirl.

**__ **

**_saudade_  
** (n.) a nostalgic longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost, with the knowledge that it or they might never return, "the love that remains."

* * *

**_20 th of November, 2017 _ **

Mon-El felt dizzy when he finally managed to regain his consciousness. Not in the intoxicated or just-woke-up kind of dizzy though. It was more like I-don’t-remember-how-I-ended-up-here kind of dizzy. He could feel that he was lying on a relatively soft surface—the cot in the DEO? He clearly remembered being in the DEO. He remembered Kara sitting by his side, holding his hand, pressing a kiss on his forehead. _Just sleep,_ she’d whispered to him, even as he tried to talk. There was so much he had to tell her before she got too hopeful, before she thought that his return was a miracle and not deliberate. Yet he hadn’t counted the fact that he would be too out of it to focus on that. He’d been hungry, he’d been tired, he’d been sleepless, and letting her comfort him seemed too good an idea to dismiss.

But…it wasn’t the cot he was feeling underneath him. It was something else, because…he’d risen from the cot, right? He tried to go into the DEO’s storage room, to grab the device—the device he’d need to wake the other members of the Legion. But he’d been interrupted. By who, he didn’t know. By…

He pushed himself off of wherever he was lying on and opened his eyes, not knowing what to expect, until his eyes found Kara’s. She was standing behind a glass, the glass of the…cell in the DEO. _Of course._ He should’ve remembered.

His heart stuttered with fear and heartbreak only briefly before Kara spoke. “I don’t understand.”

He could only look away to the floor, not wanting to see the pain in her eyes. Not wanting to know that…it was him and his actions that were hurting her. The necessity of the situation didn’t change its difficulty.

“I wanna give you the benefit of the doubt, but…you attacked two agents.”

 _I know,_ Mon-El could only think as he rose from his lying position, sitting down with his back to the wall. _I know. I’m sorry. I know._ Everything in him wished that he could tell her that, wished he could explain _everything—_ but he couldn’t. It was for her benefit. It was all for _her._ Instead he opted to stare at his hands, fearing his resolve might crumble if he looked at her…until he heard her scoff.

He hoped that his wince wasn’t too visible.

He could only lift his eyes when he heard her turn around and walk away, presumably trying to pull herself together. He knew what she was trying to do. He knew her well enough to know she wasn’t giving up and walking away. That wasn’t her, not when it came to someone she cared about. And…she cared about him, right?

_Isn’t that the exact problem?_

“Was… What… Were you confused by the hypersleep?” Her voice was tinted with tears in a way that pleaded him to say yes. To give her a solid explanation for his behavior. “Is that why you snuck out of the med bay, broke into a secure storage room, and almost killed two people?”

“I didn’t almost kill anyone.” He was surprised that his voice was level when he said those words, especially considering he hadn’t even thought about them. The last thing he was thinking about was killing anyone, but… She couldn’t know that, right? For her safety, she couldn’t know _anything._

He suddenly felt the urge to reach to his neck and wrap his fingers around his necklace— _her_ necklace—but he stopped himself, instead putting on a cold expression. _Remember the plan,_ he told himself. _This is the only way._

Yet still, seeing something breaking in Kara’s eyes was a harder pill to swallow than he’d imagined. She ducked her chin, desperately trying to hold herself together, to not cry—he wasn’t in much of a different shape—before she finally had it in her to speak. “Is it not you?” she asked, as one last hope. One last explanation that she could accept, that she’d be okay with, as much as it would hurt. She’d said just a couple of hours ago just how much she’d missed him, but he realized… For her, not having him back at all was better than having him back like…this. Distant, cold, secretive…

_It’s for her sake._

“It’s me,” he could only whisper; the only bit of information he could reveal. As much as he didn’t feel like himself at this point.

Kara’s voice was even lower when she spoke again, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “Then… Then make me believe it,” she said—begged really. “Please.”

He opened his mouth—he was ready to say it. To say anything that would prove it was him. To tell her the things only they both could know. Their relationship, their love, the littlest things that were still branded to his mind…but he stopped himself. _Too much,_ it would be too much. It would close the distance between them…and he couldn’t have that. Not now, maybe not ever.

He only looked away, feeling guilt churning in his stomach.

“You know I don’t sleep anymore?” she continued finally, her words more of a statement than a response to his words. Her voice, tearful voice—she was outright crying now—almost broke through his resolve— _almost,_ if there hadn’t been one thing that scared him much more than her heartbreak could. “I lay awake at night, just staring at the ceiling, because if I close my eyes, I dream about you _dying.”_

He stared at his hands, willing himself not to cry, willing himself to hold on just for a couple of more minutes. A couple more minutes, and then she’d be gone. She shouldn’t see how much he was hurting. She shouldn’t see how much this affected him as well.

“I s-see you dis-disappear into the blackness o-of space forever.” She covered her mouth in an attempt to suppress her sobs, and every cell in his body just wanted to reach out and embrace her. Pull her into his embrace, stroke her hair, tell her just how much he—

 _No,_ he thought as he clenched his teeth. _No, you can’t. Remember what will happen. You can’t._

Yet…that didn’t mean it took everything in him to keep a straight face at her plea.

“This was all I wanted,” she continued, a small sob escaping her lips. Her voice was shaking so much that he knew she was in the brink of sobbing. _“This,”_ she repeated, gesturing at him with shaky hands. “And—And when I saw you on that ship… Oh my God, I felt like I could _hope_ again. I could touch you, and see you, and hear you, and be with you, _finally_.”

 _I’m sorry,_ he thought desperately as he watched her step closer, tears shining in her eyes, so much so that it was a miracle they hadn’t slipped down her cheeks yet. It was a miracle _he_ wasn’t crying, too. _I’m sorry._ He wished he could offer her more than a damn apology.

She adjusted her glasses and pressed her fingers on her temple briefly, as if to pull herself together, before she opened her mouth. “I… You—You’re different.”

 _You don’t know what I’ve been through,_ he thought as he clenched his fists. _You don’t know what_ I _know._ Anyone with an enormous weight on their shoulders, he thought, would be different.

And there was a time he promised himself he’d be the person she’d want him to be. And there was a time he actually thought they could be together again. It turned out to be nothing but wishful thinking.

“You have _nothing_ to say?” she asked finally, anger seeping through her pain into her voice.

_I can’t, Kara. I can’t. You have to believe me. I can’t._

He lifted his head to look at Kara, the words at the top of his tongue. He could say them. He could say them easily, he could let her in, but…

_“Nothing?”_

“I’m sorry,” were the only words that left his mouth. As if an empty apology could mean anything.

He could almost see the shift in emotion in her. Her eyes, pleading and pained merely seconds ago, turned angry—no, not even angry, _cold._ She scoffed with disbelief; not that he could fault her for it. Not that this wasn’t exactly what he was aiming for.

“Shame on me for having a human heart.” That was the last thing she said, her voice clipped and distant, before she turned around and left.

She hadn’t stayed long enough to see the single tear that managed to escape from his eyes.


	2. Confusion

_Hope.  
It is the only thing stronger than fear._

* * *

**_25 th of May, 3024_ **

Mon-El’s heart was slamming against his ribs as he slowly regained consciousness. Every single muscle in his body was aching, as if he was repeatedly slammed onto the ground, and his head was hurting so much that it was hard to think straight. It was hard to even _remember_ what had happened to him, yet he couldn’t shake the utterly familiar feeling of this whole situation. Once again he was waking up, not knowing what had happened to him, to the beeping and wheezing of the machines around him. Once again he didn’t know what would welcome him once he opened his eyes. Once again…

_Kara._

His heart rate spiked. He remembered, when this had happened before, it was Kara waiting for him by his bedside. Granted, he’d attacked her, but…he didn’t know better then. He didn’t know _her._ Could it be like this again? He specifically remembered he was in a pod before he ended up…wherever he was now. He didn’t remember exactly _why_ he was in the pod, but if he was in the DEO… If it was Kara waiting for him… They’d figure it out together. So long as they were together.

His eyes flickered open, looking around the room to find the familiar blue eyes and blond hair. The familiar walls of the med bay in the DEO and dim lights of the room. But instead, he was greeted with a small, bright room. He could slowly start feeling the cables and tubes protruding from his body, and when he turned around, it wasn’t Kara’s eyes that found his. It was a brunette girl with green eyes, smiling warmly at him. A _stranger._

“He woke up,” she called out to…somewhere he didn’t know. She turned and reached for him merely a second later—

He didn’t wait for her to say anything else as he shot up from the bed, reaching forward to push away the woman so that he could escape— _escape,_ and find Kara, he had to _find Kara—_ but he was stopped. His hand froze in the air, as if he wasn’t the one controlling his muscles but someone else…the woman. Her eyes were shining as they almost guided him down the bed, anxious thoughts slowly seeping out of his mind. Why had he been anxious in the first place anyway?

“Calm down, Mon-El,” she said softly, her one hand on his arm. “We’re not here to hurt you. We’re trying to protect you, to make sure time travel didn’t have any unintended consequences.”

_Time travel…_ He’d time traveled. But… How was that possible? He remembered being in a pod…a pod Kara put him in…and passing through a blackhole like thing…

“Who are you?” he asked, his voice raspy. “Where am I?” _What happened to me?_ How had he ended up here? Why was he in that pod in the first place? Kara… It had been Kara’s idea, that much he knew. But why would Kara put him in that pod? They were together—dating. He loved her. She certainly wouldn’t just send him away, right?

_I love you. I should’ve said it before._

Memories filled his mind only then. Of course. _Of course._ The Daxamite invasion. His mother… Rhea had come to earth with a Daxamite army, and Kara had to spread lead into earth atmosphere to save Earth. Lead…that was poisonous to him. She’d sent him away to _save him._

“You’re in the headquarters of The Legion of Superheroes,” the woman by his side started, her hand soothingly staying on his arm. Yet he could barely process what she was saying. “We pulled you from your timeline to—“

“Kara,” he choked out, interrupting the woman. The tension that had briefly left his body returned, and once again he straightened up. “Where’s Kara? I need to… I need to find Kara.”

“Mon-El—“ The woman reached forward again, wanting to calm him down, but he ignored her. He needed to find Kara. She’d sent him away, but…something had gone wrong, apparently. Something must’ve gone wrong for him to end up here. He needed to escape, he needed to contact her, just _talk to her…_

“Calm down,” the woman said but he shook his head, his hand wrapping around the tubes on his arm. He shook his head.

“No. Stay away from me. Let me—“

_“Calm down.”_ The woman forced his eyes to look at her. Words filled his mind then. Words, obviously hers, but his lips weren’t moving. He was hearing her in his mind, not only soothing his thoughts like a soft caress, but also answering his questions before he could even ask them. A telepath. She must be a telepath.

_Kara isn’t here, Mon-El. You’re in the 31 st century. _

“How?” he asked, his fingers still around the tubes. Even though he knew she would stop him before he could make a move. “I don’t understand. I was in…”

_We brought you here. We need your help._ Kara _needs your help._

That managed to pique his attention, and for the first time he didn’t try to fight. “With what?” he asked. Even if it was just a lie to get him to comply, he had to know. To make sure.

_We need your help to save her._


	3. Choice

_3 lies:_  
_"I'm fine."_  
_"I forgot."_  
_"I do not care anymore."_

* * *

**_20 th of November, 2017_ **

“There’s something I have to tell you.”

The moment those words came out of Mon-El’s mouth, a weight settled on him. The weight of knowing what was surely to come afterwards. He’d been making progress with Kara. For the first time since he came back, they had a proper conversation, and he finally felt like he could genuinely smile. Kara had always managed to make him smile anyway. Seven years in the future couldn’t change that.

Kara expectantly looked at him, waiting for him to continue, a hopeful look in her eyes. Hopeful…as if what he had to tell her wouldn’t break her heart. Wouldn’t break _both of them._ As much as he knew this was necessary in the long run, it didn’t make saying the next words any easier.

At least opening his mouth to say them, because then he felt a presence in his mind—a very familiar presence—followed by a very familiar voice coming from the balcony doors. “Mon-El?”

Imra. Imra was awake, as he knew she would be, yet still, seeing her flesh and blood was so much different than reading the timeline of events from a screen. Relief flooded him briefly, all thoughts about their plan forgotten…at least until Imra’s voice rang in his mind.

_The plan, Mon-El._

The plan…that would break him so completely that he didn’t even know if he would survive through it. The plan he’d devised with Imra to protect the world from utter doom…and save the one person he loved the most. The plan that was as necessary as it was painful.

Something cracked in his chest as he stared at Imra, silently communicating with their gazes, until he moved. His moves were fluid—thanks to her. He could feel her supporting his mind, easing the tension, so that Kara wouldn’t realize there was something incredibly wrong here. So that she thought this was real…and would stay away.

“Imra.” He walked to her, seeing her getting ready for a hug—and he was going for a hug too—but… He changed his mind at the last second. “Imra.” And he kissed her.

There were a lot of things he felt then, but there was nothing good or romantic about it. His stomach was churning sickly instead of fluttering with butterflies. His chest constricted instead of making him feel alive. His heart cracked with pain instead of coming together as a whole.

And if it wasn’t for Imra’s guidance of his mind, he doubted he’d be able to speak over the knot in his throat.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he said; the words that might be coming out of his mouth, but didn’t belong to him. “We—We thought your life support failed—“

“I’m fine. Tired—but fine.”

Well, she was certainly better at this ruse than _him._ But wasn’t that the reason he chose _her_ to do this with? She could control him. If she felt him slip, if she felt him giving up, she could stop him and remind him the importance of this mission. She hated using her powers to take advantage of others, but she _knew_ that in the long run, if their mission failed, it would hurt him far worse than her controlling him every now and then could.

She released the hold of his mind briefly, instead offering him a question. _Are you okay?_

He didn’t even know the meaning of okay anymore.

Only when he had his free will back that Mon-El could finally move, turn his head to look at Kara—Kara, staring at them in shock, in heartbreak, as if she couldn’t believe what was going on right in front of her. Could he blame her, really? It’d just been seven months for her. If he couldn’t forget her in seven years, how could he expect her to forget him in such a short time?

He slowly moved Imra’s hands away, hoping it didn’t look like he was hastily getting away. “Imra, this is Kara Danvers,” he said as an introduction, as if Imra didn’t know _exactly_ who she was. Even the fact that she put her hand on his back and steadied him told her she was perfectly aware of the weight of the situation. “Supergirl.”

He had to applaud Kara for at least adjusting her glasses and trying to smile. He wondered whether Imra was reading _her_ mind too, and if she did, what she saw there.

On second thought, he didn’t really think he wanted to know.

“I can’t believe it’s really you,” Imra said, a smile on her face. The smile of someone meeting their hero—and Supergirl had been the Legion’s hero, wasn’t she? At the end, it was _her_ they spent years trying to save. It was her that the fate of earth depended on.

Mon-El stared at a spot on the floor for a couple of seconds before he finally had the courage to look at Kara. The next words were considerably harder to say.

“Kara, this is Imra Ardeen. My wife.”

If the kiss hadn’t pushed Kara away from him, those words… Those words definitely did. He saw the heartbreak in Kara’s eyes for a couple of seconds—only that long, though, until it was replaced by an emotionless look. She’d put up her walls, because…that was who she was. She was strong, she was brave, and she certainly wasn’t someone who would let her feelings ruin her.

“It’s—It’s nice to meet you,” she told Imra in a cracked voice. Mon-El was so glad for Imra’s hand on her back, steadying him, keeping him from either crying in front of Kara or spilling the whole truth. “I’ll just… I’ll give you two some alone time.” She cleared her throat as she moved a step back, not even wanting to get close to them to get inside DEO from the balcony door. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Imra.”

And that was the last thing she said before she pushed herself off of the ground, disappearing into the night sky. No control over his mind could stop Mon-El from instinctively reaching forward to grab her hand. To explain, to just _explain_ what happened—

“Mon-El.”

Imra’s soft voice brought him back to reality, and he finally turned to her. She looked heartbroken, to say the least. She’d stepped away since Kara left, only having a hand on his arm, yet he could feel that she wasn’t controlling him anymore. He knew, because the tears that had been fighting their way to get out were now pooled into his eyes.

He looked away, blinking to get rid of his tears. “Thank you for playing along.”

That was all he could say before he turned around to leave. Not that he was angry at Imra, particularly. It wasn’t her idea that they were in this hellhole of a situation. But she was a part of it, and he…he couldn’t help hating everything and everyone involved in this. Everyone hurting Kara, even if it was to keep her safe…including himself.

Imra’s voice in his mind stopped him halfway down the stairs. _You know, you didn’t have to kiss me._ His chest constricted with pain, even as he turned around to look at her.

_Yes,_ he thought, knowing that she could hear. _Yes, I had to._

And maybe that was the saddest thing of all: He didn’t have another choice.


	4. Butterfly Effect

_You have been created with the ability to change the world. Every single choice you make, every single action you take matters. But remember, the converse is also true. Every choice you do not make, every action you do not take matters just as much._

- _**The Lost Choice**_ by Andy Andrews

* * *

**_26 th of May, 3024_ **

Mon-El stared out the window of the building they were in; the desolate place that had once been National City many, many years ago. Once it was filled with bright buildings and green parks and laughing children, but now, the only think that was left from it was nothing more than barren ground and rubble. _Post-apocalyptic indeed,_ he thought as he turned to Imra Ardeen—the woman that had been by his side in the hospital room.

“When did this happen?” he couldn’t help asking. Imra’s hand went to the window and looked out at the world— _her_ world. It was still hard to process for him that they were nearly ten centuries in the future from the life he’d known. His normal, his rock, his…everything. In this time everyone he knew had been dead for centuries—the life he’d known had been dead for centuries, if Imra was to be believed. But the visions she showed him… Earth collapsing under Reign’s hands, Superman sacrificing everything to get his revenge on his cousin’s death… Kara’s body falling down to National City after Reign killed her…

The last one was what had shaken him the worst. Kara dying. In Imra’s memories she’d just been Supergirl whose untimely death brought doom to earth. But for him… She was Kara Danvers. She was a passionate reporter who never backed down on what she believed in. She always smiled at the littlest thing, whether it was a stray cat sprinting down the street or a flower blooming at the side of the road. Despite being on earth for years she was so bad at cooking that he was always the one that had to cook at home. She was a sucker for musicals and any kind of cheesy rom-coms, but she also loved watching dramas with tissues in her hands and tears in her eyes. She had such a big heart that she could forgive anyone for anything, even if they hurt her deeply, even if they didn’t deserve forgiveness.

She deserved better than dying. She deserved better than just…perishing off of the face of the world.

“Around 2028, to avenge her cousin’s death, Superman waged war on Reign. And in his grief and rage…he didn’t stop when he was supposed to. He and Reign fought until they destroyed each other, and almost all the world with them.” Imra sighed as she played with the sleeve of her t-shirt. “The leaders of remaining countries came together to enact a crisis law, hunting down and destroying aliens and people associated with aliens all over the world. The DEO was disbanded, most of its member running away, if they weren’t caught and executed before. Scientists were given the green light to experiment on humans in hope to restore the human population, but…it didn’t take long for them to get corrupted and work for the sake of a few select people, who used those experiments to gain what they wanted, whether they were superpowers, immortality, or anything else. Riots erupted all around the world, ruining what was left of the earth and shattering the tentative line people were walking on. And…earth never really recovered from that. The population never rose above a million people, and now most of them are living in special facilities, either being experimented on or experimenting on others.” She looked up at Mon-El. “We saved as many people as we could, but… There’s no saving earth from this.

Mon-El shivered, seeing the truth of it in the scene outside. He ran his hand over his face and shook his head. “And this was all caused by…by Kara’s death?” Even saying those words caused bile to rise to his throat. He swallowed it back before he continued. “How can that result in…in this?” Granted, his world would probably be as dark a place as this too if she died, but…he had a personal connection with her. He didn’t understand just how _this_ could’ve happened as a result of one person’s death, no matter how special she was.

“Have you ever heard of butterfly effect?” Imra asked, a dry smile on her face. He shook his head. “It’s a concept that comes from a metaphor: ‘Something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.’ Simply put, it’s small causes creating large effects. Kara’s death…” She took a shuddered breath. “It was the flutter of wings that caused a typhoon.” She gestured at the scene in front of them. Mon-El pressed his lips together as he watched her, the desperation and the need to save her world shining in her eyes.

Still, he’d be lying if he said saving earth was his primary purpose when he said the next words. But…the only thing he could focus on was Kara, and how she _couldn’t_ be dead. Even if her death didn’t cause this…this apocalyptic world, he would save her. It was already hard considering he would have to live without her by his side, but to actually _live_ in a world in which she was _gone…_ He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t allow it. Distance… He could bear that, but her death…

“How do we fix it?” he asked, clenching and unclenching his fists. “How do we… How do I save Kara?”

“By going back in time and preventing her death.” Imra seemed so confident as she said those words that she made it seem oh-so easy. But even her tone indicated that there was a twist behind it. “But that’s exactly the problem. We can’t find _how_ she died. There aren’t any records left of it. If we go in there blindly… We might do more damage than help, and we won’t have a do-over. We only have one chance in this. We _need_ to know what happened, second-by-second, so that we can intervene at just the right time.” She glanced at Mon-El. “That’s where you come in.”

“Me? Imra, I can’t…” He couldn’t have Kara’s life in his hands. He couldn’t bear that responsibility. If something went wrong… If Kara ended up dead again _because of him…_ “I’m not a hero. I’m not cut for this.”

“You are the only one capable of helping us in this,” Imra argued, turning to face Mon-El. “Until now, all the information we’ve been getting about Supergirl—Kara—was from whatever historical records we could find. But you… You know her, personally. You can tell us things about her that we can’t find anywhere else. You can help us decipher what happened to her.” She bit her lip slowly, as if debating whether she should say something else or not.

“I saw in your mind that you loved her,” she finally continued with a low voice. Pain shot through Mon-El’s voice with the reminder of that. “So help us save her.”

He looked at Imra’s eyes, hesitating only for a fraction of a second. And then he locked his jaw and nodded. He would do everything in his power to prevent Kara’s death.

_Everything._


	5. Pain

****_truth is, i miss you.  
all the time, every second, every minute, every hour, every day._

* * *

**_15 th of December, 2017_ **

“It seems like our plan is working.” Imra seemed overly cheerful as she moved to the investigation board in front of them, crossing out yet another event from the timeline. “Kara and Mon-El expensive restaurant date on 14th of December—out.”

“You didn’t have to sound so cheerful saying it,” Mon-El huffed, moving to his bed and plopping down. He knew this was a good thing. Deep down, he knew that it was _good_ the distance between him and Kara was widening day-by-day. Not only Kara was avoiding him at all costs, especially when Imra was around, but she even stopped attempting to talk to him. Their relationship had been reduced to exchange of awkward greetings whenever they bumped into each other and completely ignoring each other at DEO meetings.

If anyone had noticed the tension between them, nobody commented on it. Nobody tried to fix it. Well…except maybe Imra.

“I’m not the one telling you to completely shut her out, Mon-El,” she said, as if she read his mind—she probably did, too. “You could be friends.”

Even _he_ could see, without needing to read her thoughts, that she didn’t believe in her words. “You know I can’t risk that,” he whispered. _As much distance as possible._ That was the deal. That was the only way to prevent Reign from…from…

“Yeah,” Imra said, distracting him from destructive thoughts. She immediately changed the subject. “but at least we have a real possibility of changing the future here. Mon-El, we’ve already changed the course of several events, and that is without ruining the timeline completely. I think…” A smile pulled her lips. “I think we’re on the right track.”

As Mon-El made his way to the board, looking at all the events they’d changed—most of them were between him and Kara, and since he and Kara weren’t really on talking terms now… “You’re right,” he nodded. Of course she was. “This is a good thing. This means that we can actually save Kara. And that’s—that’s the goal. That’s all that matters.” He’d already accepted the consequences of this plan when he made it, just as long as Kara was alive. He’d endure it.

He could feel Imra’s eyes watching him. He arched his brow at her. “What?”

“Kara is just like you described her,” she blurted out almost out of the blue. Mon-El blinked in surprise. Despite Imra commenting on their relationship every now and then, she never outright said anything about her. It was a silent pact between them. She _knew_ that talking about Kara hurt Mon-El, so she didn’t talk about her.

But this…

“I mean, of course I had ideas about her even before I met you. She’s a legend in the future. But…those never went beyond Supergirl. Beyond the courageous, selfless superhero that she is. I never considered her anything more than that until _you_ came along, but now… I understand it. I truly understand why you love her.”

“Imra…” he said hoarsely, wanting, _needing_ her to stop. He didn’t want to hear just how amazing Kara was. He already knew that, and it already hurt enough. He didn’t want someone else to remind him what he wanted…but could never have.

Yet for the first time, it seemed like Imra completely ignored his thoughts.

“She’s such a good person. Even when she’s hurting, even when I can see that all she wants to do is go home and cry, she still stands strong and smiles for her friends.”

“Imra—“ Mon-El tried to warn her again—she _must_ know that he didn’t want to talk about this, right?—yet she didn’t listen.

“She never gives up on anything or anyone that she believes in. Both as Kara Danvers and Supergirl. It must be hard, balancing two identities, but she still does it, because she knows that while her city might need Supergirl, her family needs Kara Danvers.”

“Imra, please, _stop._ I don’t want to—“ Imra ignored him again as she perched on the table, swinging her legs.

“Don’t you think so?” she asked, her eyes soft as she looked at him. He clenched his teeth. “You know her better than I do.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he muttered, hoping that that would be it. Talking about Kara did nothing other than hurting him more than he already was hurting. It only made focusing on his mission harder.

“Mon-El…” Imra whispered, though, still not giving up, still pushing him. His stomach churned with pain. “You can’t get better if you don’t talk about it. You have to—“

“Well, I don’t care, okay?” he finally exploded, his voice echoing through the room. Imra didn’t even look surprised about it. “I don’t want to talk about her. I don’t want to talk about any of it.” _It hurts way worse than bottling everything up,_ he thought, and from Imra’s wince, he knew that she read those words. He let out a shuddered breath as he grabbed his jacket from his chair. “I’ll go get some fresh air,” he whispered, “I’ll be back.” And then he stormed off, not looking back, feeling glad that Imra at least didn’t force him to stay.


	6. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for a shorter chapter :) hope you like it :)

_Distance means so little when someone means so much._

* * *

__**_1 st of June, 3024_ **

Mon-El tentatively placed the white roses on the rubble-like grave by his feet—the only pop of color in an otherwise depressing cemetery. She was buried in a damn _cemetery_ along with thousands of humans, as if she was _nothing_ more than them, as if she hadn’t risked—and at the end, sacrificed—her life for everyone every single day. He wouldn’t even _know_ this spot was her grave if the Legion of Superheroes didn’t mark it, as Kara Danvers was an important part in their mission to save Supergirl. The only thing left of her…and it was in ruin.

Granted, it wasn’t the only thing left of _her._ There was also a shrine for Supergirl in the Legion headquarters, listing all of her achievements, wins, and her eventual defeat. But it was _Supergirl,_ and Supergirl wasn’t Kara Danvers. Supergirl was just a part of her, and it definitely wasn’t the reason Mon-El fell for her. He fell in love with Kara Danvers, who also happened to be Supergirl. It was only fair that he visited Kara Danvers’s grave.

He forced a smile and put his hand on the dirt. “Hey, babe,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotions. It was a hard pill to swallow, knowing he was centuries in the future and Kara was long gone. She’d been so healthy, so _alive_ when he’d last seen her. Maybe crying, maybe sad, but she’d been _full of life._ To see that she was reduced to this…to this unmarked grave… It hurt like hell.

“Who could’ve imagined?” he started, trying to distract himself from the gravity of the situation. “I’m ten centuries into the future, in a post-apocalyptic world, working with a group of superheroes to go back in time and save you, so that…so that we can fix the timeline. So that we can put it back into place. It sounds like a cliché sci-fi movie, I know, but… I think…” He cleared his throat when his words became unintelligible. “I think you would’ve liked it.”

Oh, who was he kidding? Kara got all giddy and happy whenever she got the chance to spend time with her Earth-1 superhero friends. She would’ve died to meet a group of superheroes from the future.

“They call themselves Legion of Superheroes,” he explained further, clenching his fists on the ground. “There’s Imra; she calls herself Saturn Girl. She’s… She’s been taking care of me for the last couple of days, helping me adjust to this crazy place. And then there’s Garth, her husband. He’s… He’s just as stubbornly heroic and loyal as you are. You would’ve… You would’ve made quite a pair. There’s Rokk Krinn, and Brainiac 5, and all those other superheroes with cool names and even cooler powers.” His tears blurred his vision as he fixed his gaze on the roses. “You would’ve fit right in. You would’ve fit here better than me.”

But it was _him_ that they needed, not her. They had all kinds of different people from all kinds of different planets with all kinds of different powers, yet they needed _him._ It was almost funny, if you ignored the severity of the situation. He had to fit in; somehow, he had to find a way to become a hero. Become Kara’s hero, while she was busy with being everyone else’s hero.

“I won’t fail you,” he promised. The grave might’ve been barren, but the promise wasn’t. “I told you I would be a hero, and I will. I _will_ find a way to save you, I promise. You’re not dying on my watch. Ever.”

He looked at the empty spot for a couple of seconds more. “I love you, Kara Danvers.”


	7. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't give any spoilers from the Supergirl episode tonight. Since this story is canon compliant, I want to finish it before I actually watch the rest of the episodes, so that my ideas don't get skewed by the new content, since it probably won't be the same as this story. Pretty please?
> 
> But anyway, now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I hope you like this :)

_I guess, I never let you go, because in the back of my mind I still believe that someday we'll get our second chance._

* * *

**_2 nd of February, 2017_ **

In the last couple of weeks, Mon-El had gotten pretty good at avoiding Kara at all costs. He always had had the ability to sense whenever she was around anyway; he was just drawn to her and her warmth. And in the past, he _would’ve_ used that ability to go straight to her side whenever they were in the same room.

Now, he just turned the other way.

He’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt.

At least it helped with the distance between them. The less they saw each other, the better in the long run. _As long as Kara was safe._ That seemed to be his motto lately.

But that day, as he walked down the halls of the DEO, he’d been distracted. He didn’t have much sleep the previous night, having yet another terrible nightmare—even Imra’s best attempts couldn’t keep all the bad dreams away—and now he felt like a walking zombie. He’d been looking at his phone to call Imra, as they decided to meet up and work a bit on their investigation, when he bumped into someone.

He should’ve immediately realized this wasn’t just a regular human bumping into him, as he actually _felt_ the hit. Yet he only absentmindedly lifted his head, an apology playing on his lips, until…

“Mon-El?”

He felt his muscles freeze as he whipped his head up to look at the owner of the voice—a very familiar voice that made his stomach clench. He hadn’t even _noticed_ that she came to the DEO. He hadn’t noticed…and now he was face to face with the woman that he loved with all his heart.

The woman that he loved…but had to stay away from at all costs.

He stepped away from her personal space, feeling his heart slamming against his ribs, yet he didn’t miss the way Kara winced at that. He cleared his throat. “Kara. I didn’t notice…” _Think,_ he forced himself. _Think._ God, he wished Imra was by his side, so that she could at least calm his nerves. “I thought you were at work.”

Kara wrapped one arm around herself—a physical barrier between her and Mon-El—before she spoke. “There was an emergency,” she explained, her voice cold and strained. “I needed to come… What are you doing here?”

_Waiting for Imra. Distracting myself. Making sure I can save your life._ “I live here.”

Which was a pitiful but true fact. He, and the rest of the members of the Legion, had to be placed in the DEO, since it was impossible to find houses for everyone in National City. And considering they weren’t here permanently…

“True,” Kara said awkwardly. “That’s… That’s true.” He could only nod, hating the awkwardness between them, especially knowing there was a time it’d been so easy for them to talk to each other. Now… They were no better than strangers.

He hated that. But most of all, he hated that it was necessary.

“Anyway, let me not…let me not take you from your emergency. It was…nice to see you.” He could only offer her a small smile, ready to turn around and leave. Even though he didn’t want to. He missed talking to Kara. He missed being around her, hugging her, touching her, just…having her by his side. It hurt more than he could’ve ever imagined once he made this plan.

So much so that sometimes… Even knowing the consequences of getting closer to Kara would be, he wished he could just confess everything and be with her. Sometimes…he missed her too much that nothing else mattered. Sometimes…he just wanted to turn back and pull her into his embrace rather than walking away from her.

“Wait, Mon-El.” Kara stopped him before he could even move, wrapping a hand around his wrist. “Please, just…wait.”

He couldn’t help looking at her, all common sense thrown out the window. He hoped that she couldn’t see the vulnerability in his eyes.

He waited for her to continue, to get out what she needed to get out, before he said anything.

“I hate this,” she finally confessed, running her fingers through her hair. “This… This distance between us. We used to work so well together, Mon-El.” He didn’t know what hurt worse, her tear-strained voice or the desperation in her eyes. “More than just a couple, we’d been partners and…and friends, and I…I miss that. I know you’re married now, I know we can never be together again, but I miss being friends with you. I miss…you.”

_I miss you, too. So much more than you can imagine._ Much more than she could know, too, especially because he could see in her eyes that she still loved him. She still loved him just as much as she loved him nine months ago—at least for her—when they had to say goodbye to each other.

He loved her, too, just as much as he loved her seven years ago, when _he_ had to say goodbye to her. But she couldn’t know that. She could never—

“Please don’t say no,” she begged, probably seeing the rejection in his eyes. “Please. Being friends is all I’m asking. Just…please.”

…and had he really been able to say no to those pleading blue eyes? He felt his resolve breaking slowly. He needed Imra to his side right now to keep him strong…but for some reason, he was okay that she wasn’t. He was _glad_ that she wasn’t.

“Friends, then,” he whispered with a cracked smile. It was much less than what he would’ve wanted, but it was still better than nothing.

Especially when Kara’s face lit up with a beautiful grin. “Good. Good.” She suddenly seemed so much happier than she’d been in the last couple of weeks. Like a light had returned to her eyes. He couldn’t help feeling bad that he took that away from her in the first place. “So… What do you say? Can we take care of this emergency together…like old times?”

Something fluttered in his chest in anticipation. For the first time in weeks, he felt like he actually looked forward to doing something. He looked forward to being with Kara.

“Like old times.”

He was smiling, too, as he followed Kara to the main area in the DEO, so much so that he didn’t notice the woman watching them walk away with smiles on their faces. Imra. She’d heard the entirety of the conversation, and despite everything… She didn’t stop them. Because she knew, even if Mon-El didn’t realize it, that he needed Kara. He needed Kara right now more than he needed their plan to be successful.


	8. Having Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy this :)

_You will never be completely home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That's the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place._

* * *

**_25 th of December, 3027_ **

Mon-El thought, as he stared at the massive board in front of him, that it looked more like files upon files randomly scattered on a computer screen than anything else. Nobody other than him would probably be able to get anything written on it either.

Nobody probably spent that much time coming up with a timeline leading up to Kara’s death, considering every nook and cranny, and trying to decide what could be the best way to save her.

_On someday in the future, we’ll be boarding a ship, its course set to centuries in the past in an attempt to stop Reign before she was even given the chance to rise._ Imra’s words filled his mind as he returned to the beginning of everything: the Legion ship’s crash. _But something will go wrong, and our ship will end up crashing. Thanks to our pods, our lives will be preserved, until November 2017._

_How do you know?_ Mon-El had asked her. If they haven’t even gone back in time, he didn’t understand how those events could be set in time. But Imra… She’d just smiled at him.

_The moment we decided to go back in time, the timeline set into place. Consider it like a time loop. Since we’re in the future now, the time we’ll be going back to will be in the back. And our actions will be in historical records._

And that was how they came up with the timeline in front of them. Legion going back in time. The ship crashing. Him waking up in November 2017, as a result of an explosion happening around the ship. And then…

He let out a shuddered breath as he looked at Kara’s face on the screen. _11.20.2017. Supergirl, Winn, and J’onn go down to the spaceship to discover Mon-El. They bring him back to the DEO._

His hand inadvertently went to the necklace around his neck. Kara’s necklace. The piece of jewelry that kept him sane and safe during his time with the Legion. His lifeline, his rock, his one connection to the woman he loved. It’d been three years, and yet, that love still hadn’t faded. It was still strong—maybe even stronger than the day he left earth. The longing and grief had eased as he’d gotten used to going on with his daily life without her, but his love… That was still there, in its permanent place in his chest.

He gulped as he moved onto the next piece of evidence, not wanting to fixate on her and let his pain deter him from his mission. Saving Kara. That was what was important now…

Until he was interrupted by someone pushing open his door. His hand quickly shot forward to shut down the screen as he spun around, only to find…

“Hey, buddy.” Garth skipped inside the room and slapped Mon-El on the back. “And here I was wondering where my favorite Legionnaire was.”

“I’m not—I’m not a Legionnaire,” he said as he watched Imra following her husband, rolling her eyes at him.

“Yeah, well, don’t worry about it. He’s just being a lickspittle.” She glared at Garth. “It wasn’t even ten minutes ago he told me I was his favorite Legionnaire.” Garth grabbed his arm as if Imra punched him…and she very well could’ve, mentally at least.

“Ouch. Imra!” Mon-El could only slightly smile at them, ready to ask what they were doing…until he noticed their costumes. And they weren’t their usual superhero suits either. Imra’s hair was tied into a regular Greek braid, and she had what seemed like a white, goddess-like gown on her, while Garth was wearing a usual Greek-style warrior outfit. He arched his brow. Had he missed something?

“What are the costumes for?” he asked. Garth finally stopped glaring at his wife and turned to him. His eyes were wide.

“You don’t remember?”

Oh, Mon-El had so missed the memo.

“Remember what?”

“The… The Christmas costume party!” Garth said as he jumped down from his spot on the table. “We’re having it, tonight. Don’t you remember?” He looked at Mon-El’s completely normal clothes. “You told us you would come.”

_Oh._ That Christmas party. Right. He bowed his head and pinched his nose.

“Guys, I…I really don’t have time for parties now.” He turned to the now turned off screen, yet he could still see the timeline in front of him.

“You said the exact same thing on Thanksgiving, Mon-El,” Garth objected before Imra chimed in.

“On Halloween, too.”

“And our end of the summer party! I know that technically summer is fake skies and swimming pools for us, but it was still summer!”

Mon-El sighed. They were right. Of course they were, but… He didn’t have it in him to go to a party when Kara wasn’t by his side. When she needed his help. “I’m just not in the mood for a party. But you should go!” He turned to them, trying to sound cheerful. From Imra’s disbelieving eyes, he could see that he wasn’t doing a good job. “Don’t let me take you from your fun time.”

Neither of them said anything for a while, but he could see the disappointment in Garth’s eyes. Imra, on the other hand… Imra was just angry. With how her hands were resting on her waist, she truly looked like an angry Greek goddess.

“Oh, really?” she asked, earning a confused glance from Garth. “Are you not going to the party because you don’t feel like it, or you’re too busy working on this?”

Before Mon-El could do anything, she had stepped forward, slamming her hand against the screen’s switch. “No!” But it was too late. The files had already popped up, the files depicting the timeline of events leading to Kara’s death. He felt his heart stop. They weren’t supposed to know about that. None of them was supposed to know about it…

But of course Imra knew, because Imra was a telepath. Because she could read minds, and she must’ve read his mind too. She probably knew it long before today, but…she must’ve kept quiet about it.

Garth, on the other hand… He seemed to be completely clueless, as he’d turned pale all over as he stared at the board. His eyes then turned to Mon-El. “What is this?”

“What do you think?” Imra asked—spat out, really—before Mon-El had the chance to defend himself. “His own private investigation about Kara’s death that he’d been working on every second of his free time.”

Well, guess trying to hide something from a telepath was just impossible. Mon-El ducked his chin and clenched his fists, trying to control his anger. Imra just continued, oblivious—or probably ignorant—of his situation. “I’ve been keeping my mouth shut about this for long enough, but it’s gone too far. It’s been hurting you mentally _and_ physically, Mon-El.”

“I know that, Imra,” he whispered, yet she didn’t let him say anything else.

“You haven’t been eating, or sleeping. You don’t let yourself relax or have a moment to yourself. You don’t rest your mind or body, and you can’t go on like this.”

“Imra—“

“You will burn yourself out, Mon-El.”

“I know—“

“And then you won’t be any help to anyone, let alone Kara.”

“Don’t say—“

“You’re only hurting yourself with this. You’re not—“

“I know, Imra, okay?” he exploded finally, stepping right between her and the screen. “I know this is unhealthy, I know this might not help with anything, but I _can’t_ stop it.” He felt his fingers begin to shake as he ran them through his hair. He let out a shuddered breath. “If we can’t find a way to save her, Kara will die. She will die, and even the thought of that makes me feel like I’m drowning. Like I can’t breathe. The _only_ thing that gives me purpose is…is _this.”_ He pointed behind himself, to the files, even as tears started to fill his eyes. “Looking for a way to save her. When I’m here, I feel like I can breathe. I can hope, and I’m not… I’m not a useless piece of crap who can’t even save the woman he loves.”

He plopped down on his bed when he felt like his knees wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of everything. He couldn’t see what Garth or Imra was doing, as he’d covered his face with his hands, but he could feel the deafening silence of the room. Footsteps approached his side only a couple of seconds later. Someone sat next to him and put a hand on his back.

“We’re so sorry, Mon-El,” Garth said softly. “About everything. This… I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. We shouldn’t have yelled at you about it.”

“We’re just worried.” When Mon-El lifted his head, he saw that Imra was standing right in front of him. She offered him a sad smile. “You’re our friend, and it’s hard to see you like this. You know Kara wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.”

“I know,” he whispered desperately. “I just… I feel like I’m failing her.”

“You’re not,” Garth objected without even second of hesitation. “She would be proud that you haven’t forgotten her, and you’re doing everything in your power to save her. But you’d know that better than me, right?” A small smile pulled Mon-El’s lips. It was better than nothing.

“And,” Imra chimed in then, “I also believe she’d want you to have fun. Enjoy yourself. You know we have time travel in our hands; it’s not like we’re running out of time.” Even Mon-El had to laugh at that, even though it died quickly, even though he started feeling like something was squeezing his chest. He shook his head.

“How do I do that?” He’d solely focused on saving Kara for so long that he’d forgotten how to have fun. He’d forgotten that he was even _allowed_ to have fun.

Garth had a mischievous smile on his face as he jumped to his feet. “Well, how about we start with the Christmas costume party?” he offered. “You could be the…the Aphrodite to our Paris and Helen.”

“Seriously, Garth?” Imra murmured. _“Seriously?”_

“What? It was just a suggestion!”

“Shut up, you idiot.” Imra mentally punched Garth again before turning to Mon-El. “But whether you’re being Aphrodite or not, you’re going to that party, right? And before you answer that question, remember that I have the ability to control your mind and _make_ you come to the party.” A small chuckle left Mon-El’s lips.

“Yeah.” He looked at the screen and all the evidence he’d managed to gather about Kara’s death, before moving to shut it down. He could always come back to it, and maybe distracting himself and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes later would help him. He turned back to Imra “Yeah, I’m coming.”


	9. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo i just wrote one of the most painful scenes in this story today, and oh boy it had been hard. BUT it's also a good thing, because it means i have only one scene left until i'm done with it! YAY. i'm so excited for you to read the whole thingggggg
> 
> but anyway, before we get there, i hope you enjoy this chapter :)

_"People think dreams aren't real just because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes.  
- _ **Neil Gaiman**

* * *

**_9 th of March, 2018_ **

_Mon-El mumbled a song under his breath as he moved around the kitchen, keeping one eye on the hash brown he was making as he reached for the coffee powder. It was just eight thirty in the morning, and considering it was a Sunday, there was still plenty of time before Kara woke up._

_Yet he wasn’t taking any chances. He wanted to prepare a huge breakfast for her—hash browns, coffee, fried eggs, and pancakes—and he wanted to surprise her with it on bed. And he had to be fast, too, because Kara had a tendency of waking up whenever she smelled food. She’d ruined way too many breakfast surprises._

_He sighed at that though, even as a smile pulled his lips, as he turned on the coffee machine. Despite all those ruined surprises, he loved the days she didn’t have to go to work. He loved the days they spent cuddled on the couch, a blanket over them and ice creams in their hands, binge-watching their latest favorite TV shows…until they were called into some superheroing mission, but even_ that _couldn’t ruin Mon-El’s mood._

_Not when he had Kara by his side._

_His smile had turned into a grin as he took the hash browns from the stove, instead putting a new pan over it for pancakes. And maybe because he was so focused on the breakfast that he didn’t notice the person tiptoeing behind him. “Boo!” Two arms went around his waist, pulling him back tightly, so much so that he almost dropped the bowl in his hand._

_Or that might’ve been because Kara had absolutely scared him to death. He could feel his heart slamming against his ribs as he spun around to face her, only to see that she was laughing like his_ fear _was just so amusing to her._

_“Kara!”_

_“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she said, trying to suppress her laugh, even though she didn’t sound believable at all. “You were just standing there and…and so focused on your job… It was too good of an opportunity to miss.”_

“Kara,” _he warned him, putting on a hurt face. It didn’t matter that she looked so damn adorable and he had to fight the smile making its way on his lips. It didn’t matter._

_“Oh, don’t whine, you little baby.” She hit him lightly on his shoulder. “We all know that you’re hiding a smile under that pout of yours.”_

_“Hey, I’m not!” he objected, even though that was…entirely true. He turned around to the pancake pan just to hide his smile. “I was just worried about the pancake batter. You wouldn’t want to spill it everywhere, huh?”_

_“Hmm-hmm.” He felt her hand move along his back, softly tickling him in the process. He tried—and failed—to stand still, especially as she slipped right next to him and dip a finger into the pancake batter. She noticed that he was glaring at him just before she licked her finger. “What?”_

Don’t smile, _Mon-El thought to himself._ Don’t smile. She’s not that cute. She…

_Oh, who was he kidding? He shook his head with a laugh as he returned to the pan, his retorts dying on his lips. “Nothing. I just love you.” He saw, from the corner of his eyes, that a smile pulled her lips at that. A small but completely genuine smile._

_“Aw,” she murmured softly as she scooted closer to him, moving her hand to the nape of his neck so that she could guide him to look at her. “I love you, too.” She cupped his cheek and reached up, pressing her lips on his._

* * *

When Mon-El first opened his eyes, he felt disoriented. The dream was still so fresh in his mind, so _real,_ that for a second he wondered if it had been a dream at all. He was pretty sure he’d never experienced anything like that, but he could almost _feel_ Kara’s arms around his waist, he could feel her lips softly pressing onto his. He absentmindedly lifted his hand to touch his lips, to _feel_ her touch one second more…

Even through the veil of tears in his eyes he saw the person sitting cross-legged on the bed next to him. His heart jumped in his chest. _It can’t be Kara,_ he thought. It shouldn’t be her. He was… He had to stay away from her. He knew that. Yet for one second… For one short second until he straightened up and actually _looked_ at the woman… He thought it was her. For one second he’d been just as happy as he’d been in that dream…until he saw that the woman was no other than Imra.

She offered him a tentative smile. “Hey.”

It took him only a second to realize what was going on. Of course. _Of course._ There was a reason the dream felt so real. He hadn’t seen it on his own. It was… It was one of those dreams that Imra tended to give him and Kara (somehow, she’d figured out how to connect their dreams and she refused to disclose her secret), the dreams that shook him much more than any other nightmare could. When he was in that pod under the sea, they were what kept him sane. But now, being with Kara in his dreams only to wake up alone and away from her, knowing he would never get to be with her… It hurt.

He furiously wiped his tears away as he swung his legs down the bed, wanting to get out of this room as quickly as possible. He wanted some fresh air so that he could breathe, just _breathe,_ because right now, he felt like something was clawing at his neck. He’d told Imra to stop those dreams. He’d told her that it hurt more than it did good, and she must know that too. Yet still… Yet still she continued to do it. As if this was a game to her, she continued to _insert_ those dreams into his mind.

“Mon-El, wait.” Imra tried to stop him by grabbing his wrist, but he didn’t let her. He only spun around to face her and swathed her hand away, trying with everything he had not to let the tears spill from his eyes.

“I told you,” he whispered in a shaky voice, “to never do _that_ again.” He was breathing heavily as he stared at her eyes, which looked almost hurt, before he spun around and left. By then, tears were already sliding down his cheek.


	10. Necklace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like this :)

_One day,_  
_I'll wake up at three in the morning._  
_I won't be alone,_  
_I won't text you or call you,_  
_I won't miss you_  
_Or want to cry._  
_Because one day_  
_When I wake up at three in the morning_  
_You'll be laying next to me_

_and not miles away._

* * *

**_13 th of July, 3029_ **

Mon-El twirled the necklace between his fingers as he watched the night sky. Because there wasn’t much light in the future—how could you have light when you didn’t have a city anyway?—he could clearly see everything on the sky, even a couple of shooting stars. He remembered Kara telling him that when you wished upon a shooting star, whatever you wished for came true.

He’d basically wished for the same thing for every shooting star he saw in this place. He hoped that one day it would come true. He hoped that one day, he’d be able to return to 2017, to Kara, with an infallible plan to save her under his belt.

He’d missed her. It’d been five years since he last saw her, and he’d missed her _so badly._ And they were so close too. The Legion. They were so close to figuring out how and why Kara died. Once they did that, they could go back in time, and he could see her. He could finally— _finally_ —see her.

The thought filled his chest with hope. _We’re gonna save you, Kara,_ she thought. _We’re so close. I’m not letting you die._

“Thinking about Kara?” His thoughts were interrupted by Imra’s voice coming from behind him. He looked over his shoulder, only to see her walking towards him. He dropped the necklace and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Did you read my mind?” he asked, even though he knew Imra, despite her abilities, tended to leave people that she cared about alone. She didn’t like to prod their minds and break their trust. She just laughed and shook her head.

“No, but I know you. You think about her whenever you play with that necklace of yours.” She stopped to search his face. “I have a feeling it has a special meaning.”

“It…” Mon-El hesitated before he said the words. He never told anyone about why this necklace was priceless to him, why he wore it all the time, and why he was so protective of it. It had been…a secret between him and Kara. A special bond, and he…he didn’t want to ruin that secret by sharing it.

But…would he really be ruining it? He rarely talked about his personal relationship with Kara. It had been all professional, all about saving her and nothing else. He _wanted_ to talk about it. Not only because it was so special to him, but also…he wanted them to know. The members of the Legion were his friends now. He wanted them to know what he and Kara had, so that they could understand him, they could understand why he was so adamant about saving her.

“It was Kara’s,” he started, taking out the necklace once again. “Her mother gave it to her when she left Krypton, and she gave it to me when I had to leave earth, so that…so that I wouldn’t be alone. She said it would keep me safe.” _From myself,_ he couldn’t help thinking. _It protected me from plunging into depression and hopelessness._

“You really loved each other, didn’t you?” Imra asked, though it was more of a statement than a question. A sad smile pulled Mon-El’s lips.

“Yeah. We… We’ve been happy, you know?” And maybe that was the part that hurt the most. “Before everything happened, we’ve been happy together. Happiest days of my life. I just… I miss that. I miss having the happiness of…having her.” He pressed the necklace over his heart. “I appreciate that everyone in the Legion are with me and I’m not alone, but Kara…”

“She was different,” Imra stated, as if she’d read Mon-El’s thought. He chuckled lightly and nodded.

“She was.” He twirled the necklace between his fingers. He didn’t even need to say anything else before Imra stepped forward and put her hand on his back. She must’ve read just how much he missed her.

“We _will_ save her, Mon-El,” she promised, no hesitation in her voice. “We’re closer than ever. You’ll see, you’ll be back with her in no time.” She softly punched his shoulder for support. He smiled at her.

“I know. I’m not giving up on her.” He could feel Imra’s eyes watching him. He turned to her with confusion. “What?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “I just… I can understand why Supergirl loves you, you know. She might be the hero of earth, but you are her hero.”

“She doesn’t need a hero.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Imra agreed with a small laugh. “But that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t _want_ one. You know, when you are so focused on saving everyone else that you sometimes forget yourself. Especially in her line of business. She’s lucky to have someone to watch her back.” A smile pulled his lips.

“Am I doing a good job of watching her back?” he asked almost mischievously.

“Oh, certainly,” Imra nodded with a smile of her own. “You’re doing a fantastic job. I couldn’t have done it better myself.” Mon-El chuckled softly at that before Imra changed the topic, pointing inside. “That said, it’s dinner time, and I’m really hungry, so why don’t we go inside? The Legion is waiting for us.”

“Yeah, I… You go inside. I’ll be coming in a second.” Imra must’ve read in his mind that he needed a moment alone. She only patted him on the back once again before she left.

Mon-El stared at a shooting star in the sky as he closed his fingers around Kara’s necklace. “I love you, Kara,” he said, even though there was no way she could hear him.

He felt considerably lighter when he returned inside.


	11. Ruins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! but i hope you like this chapter :)
> 
> also, i didn't have the time to watch the newest Supergirl episode yet (damn time zone differences) so please, please, please don't comment with any spoilers. i know this story will be drastically different than what is shown in the episodes, but i think we can all enjoy this as a separate story :)

_Because of one person._

_You're scared to put yourself out there anymore._   
_You don't open up to anyone anymore._   
_You don't let a lot of people in like you used to._   
_You've changed. You're more guarded. Your mindset is different now._   
_You're not the same person you were before, just because of one person._

* * *

**_21 st of March, 2018_ **

Mon-El didn’t know why exactly he was coming here every single day, when it did nothing but hurt him. He didn’t know why he made himself watch Kara for hours when she was home, yearning to be with her but at the same time knowing that he couldn’t. He didn’t know why he was putting himself through that…

Except for the fact that he loved her. As impossible as it was at this point, he loved her.

He leaned forward, his fingers grasping the railing, as he watched Kara’s silhouette came into view briefly. His breath got hitched in his throat. She’d just returned home from work, as indicated by her clothes.

She looked as beautiful as always.

The pain in his heart spiked with that thought, making him wince. There seemed to be a constant pain there anyway, so much so that he’d basically gotten used to it at this point, but sometimes, when he remembered just how much he needed Kara with him and how he couldn’t have her, the pain increased ten-fold. Enough to make him want to give up. Would it be so bad to confess everything to Kara? Maybe they could work together on it…

_No._ He couldn’t. He _knew_ what would happen if this plan didn’t work. He knew what would happen to _Kara_ if he gave up. He couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t risk her death, and he _especially_ couldn’t let her die because of _him._

He let the railing go when he felt the metal getting crushed under his hands. He was just ready to turn around and leave—his resolve was breaking, and he was afraid he would spill the beans to Kara—when he felt a presence on the back of his mind. _Imra,_ he thought.

And surely so, the woman stepped right next to him only a couple of seconds later. “I knew you’d be here.”

Mon-El didn’t bother to ask—didn’t even bother to look at her—how she’d known. Imra…had her ways.

“Despite your stubbornness to stay as far away from her, you tend to get drawn to her more often than not,” she explained not even a second later anyway.

“What are you doing here, Imra?” he asked, not wanted to acknowledge the truth of her statement. “I told you I wanted to be alone.”

“And you should know by now that I don’t listen to you when what you tell me is stupid.” Mon-El glared at her as he crossed his arms over his chest. Technically, he knew looking strong wouldn’t convince Imra that this Kara situation didn’t affect him; she could easily read his mind to see the truth. But he’d gotten so used to acting like everything was okay that it was almost instinctive at this point.

“That’s not the real reason you’re here, though, is it?” he pointed out, not as a question but merely as a fact. She just seemed too tense for this to be a friendly visit. “I might not be a mind-reader, but I know you.”

Imra sighed almost exasperatedly. “No. This isn’t a friendly visit.” Even the seriousness in her eyes was enough for Mon-El to straighten up when she looked up. “I think it’s time to stop acting, Mon-El.”

He froze with her words. “What?”

“It’s time to change the plan and…and tell Kara the truth. About everything.”

At first, Mon-El thought she was joking. She certainly couldn’t have suggested that…that they tell Kara about their plan, right? Wasn’t that exactly what got her killed? When they went back in time, she’d gotten back together with Mon-El, and Reign used that as a trap for her. She used _him_ to _kill her_.

…he couldn’t be the reason of her death.

“No.”

Imra didn’t even seem surprised by his answer…though she should’ve expected that. She knew him maybe better than he even knew himself. She should’ve _known_ he’d never agree to something that might end in Kara’s death.

She didn’t back down, though. Instead, she stepped forward, putting a hand on his arm. “Listen to me, Mon-El. I know you’re scared—“

“This isn’t about fear, Imra!” he hissed, pulling his arm back. Imra arched her brow in disbelief.

“It isn’t?”

“It’s about saving Kara’s life. And I’m not risking her just because I feel a little depressed.” He clenched and unclenched his fists, staring at Imra for one more second, before he turned around to leave.

Imra’s words stopped him not much later. “It sounds to me like you’re just afraid of losing her, Mon-El.” Her voice was soft, non-demanding, as she moved to his side. “And I get that, Mon-El. I get that you’re scared—“

“Do you?” he couldn’t help asking with a shaky voice. She wasn’t facing the possibility of losing the love of _her_ life.

“I can feel your pain,” she just whispered, putting a hand on her heart. “Even now I can feel it. The possibility of Kara’s death hurts so much that it cripples you. That’s why you’re afraid to even consider new ideas.” She seemed almost vulnerable as she looked up to Mon-El’s eyes, dropping her hand to her side. She didn’t want him to think she was manipulating his thoughts. “But there must be a way of doing this without keeping you away from Kara. Without hurting you every single day.”

“There isn’t,” Mon-El answered with a shake of his head. “You know what will happen if I get close to Kara. You know we can’t risk that.”

“Yes, but we’ve never considered telling Kara about her potential death, Mon-El,” Imra argued, stopping him before he could move. “We’ve deemed it too dangerous, Kara knowing her future, but we’ve already changed the timeline drastically, and nothing happened. I think we can risk this.” She took a deep breath. “You once told me that Kara didn’t need a hero. Maybe you’re right. Maybe if she knows the threat, she’ll be able to save her life herself.” She searched his face briefly, probably reading the shock in it. Yet she must’ve also seen the denial in his eyes, because she continued before he could say anything. “The Legion agrees with me, Mon-El.”

Something hardened in him with those words. “You went to the Legion before talking to me?” he couldn’t help asking. Imra clenched her teeth, yet no guilt had flashed on her face.

“I knew you’d say no if I asked you.”

“Of course I’d say no!” he hissed. “Kara is… _was…_ my girlfriend. I’m the one that truly knows and loves her.”

“And it’s _our_ world that will be in ruins if she dies!”

“You think my world won’t be ruined if I lose her?” Even the loudness of his voice couldn’t cover up its shakiness. “You think I will be able to live with myself if she dies?”

Even Imra, a telepath who supposedly could read his mind, seemed shaken with those words. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, before he continued. “We’re not telling Kara, and that’s the end of it. I’m not risking her life because of my stupid emotions.”

That was the last thing he said before he spun around and left.


	12. Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! but i hope you like this chapter :)

**_27 th of June, 3031_ **

Mon-El had been walking by the meeting room when he heard the voices coming from inside. He might not have Kara’s hearing, but his wasn’t too bad either; he was pretty sure that it was Imra he was hearing. He frowned and looked at his watch. Had he forgotten something? He didn’t remember having a meeting with the Legion today. Their weekly meeting had been just a couple of days ago. They still hadn’t figured out what had exactly happened to Kara, but they’d been _so close,_ yet the meeting had gone on for so long that they decided to reconvene next week with clearer heads.

Or…had they said Thursday and he’d forgotten it? But he clearly remembered it was Monday…

He changed his direction to turn to the meeting room, pushing open the doors without knocking and walking inside. “Hey guys, did I miss something?”

His voice trailed off at the end when everyone—literally _everyone—_ went silent in the room, their anxious glances on him. They’d been having a meeting, he realized, and from the looks of it, it was a meeting about Kara’s death. They’d been having a meeting _without him_.

“What’s going on here?” he couldn’t help asking as he stepped forward. His eyes were just checking the investigation board that Imra stepped forward.

“Hey, Mon-El.” She had a huge but strained smile on her face. He frowned.

“Imra? What’s up?”

“Nothing,” she said as if it was the most natural thing. She slightly pushed him to the door—not physically, though. Mentally. “Nothing is going on.”

“Imra?”

“Why don’t we just go get a snack? You look hungry. You could use—“ He realized what she was doing one second before it took hold—manipulating him. She was pushing him to the door, keeping contact to strengthen her hold, and making him think that nothing was wrong. But _something_ was. Something must’ve been. Imra had barely used her powers on him, especially in this way.

He quickly pushed her hands away and walked into the room. “I’m not hungry. Imra, what happened?” He shook his head to look around the room, the members of the Legion, his friends…who looked paler than ever. Garth shared a worried glance with Rokk as Mon-El continued. “Why didn’t you tell me about the meeting? Were you—“

He came to a stop when his eyes finally turned to the investigation board. And he froze. It’d changed. Since their last meeting, it’d changed. The last part of the puzzle was complete now: the events leading up to Kara’s death. The Legion had pinpointed three of them:

  1. _Reign kidnaps Mon-El._
  2. _Reign uses Mon-El as bait to draw in Kara._
  3. _Reign kills Kara._



His blood went cold. The words written on the board were circling around in his mind, over and over again, drowning him in an ocean of pain. _Reign uses Mon-El as bait to draw in Kara._

They’d never managed to figure out the reason why Reign and Kara fought on the day she was supposed to die. Kara seemed to have attacked her without any provocation, which was so unlike her that it’d puzzled all of them. It’d puzzled Mon-El most of all. But now…now it all made sense. Kara had gone after Reign because she kidnapped _him._ She’d gone there to save him…and instead, she’d died. It was because of him that she’d died. It was _his fault._

He took a step towards the board absentmindedly, lifting his hand to trace the timeline. _It’s impossible,_ he wanted to say. _It can’t be._ Yet…it was.

“Mon-El?” Imra whispered from right behind him, yet he barely heard her from the ringing in his ears. He could focus on the board and only the board.

“It’s _my_ fault?”

Somehow, voicing those words made everything worse. Made it all the more real. It was his fault. Kara had died because of him. Because he let Reign kidnap him. She died trying to save him. He gave everything to the mission to save her, and yet _he_ ended up being the reason for her death.

Tears blurred his vision, even as he felt Imra’s presence in his mind. It was as if she knew he wouldn’t hear her if she spoke out loud. _It’s_ not _your fault, Mon-El,_ she insisted. _Kara didn’t die because of you._

But she did. She had.

_Don’t think like that._

It was his fault. All this time, it had been his fault, and…he didn’t even know about it. He’d never even considered that possibility.

_We couldn’t have known. Mon-El, don’t blame yourself for it. Please._

He should’ve, though. He should’ve thought about it. Had there ever been something that he touched and didn’t ruin? Of course he’d ruin this mission, too. Of course he’d ruin Kara’s life, too.

_Mon-El, no—_

He shut out Imra’s thoughts and whirled around, wanting to get out of this suffocating room before tears spilled down his eyes. _Your fault, your fault, your fault;_ those words were chanting in his head over and over again, weighing on him, threatening to bring him to his knees. It was his fault. It was _his fault._

He saw Garth reaching out to grab his arm and stop him, but he didn’t let the man. He pushed him away, he pushed _everyone_ away and instead rushed out the room. He didn’t want their comfort—he didn’t _deserve_ it. He’d killed Kara. It was _him_ that killed Kara. It was so disgusting to think about that he almost wanted to leave his body, he wanted to be someone else, so that at _least_ Kara’s death wouldn’t be on him. At least he wouldn’t have killed the love of his life.

Why would he deserve anyone’s comfort anyway?

* * *

_My fault, my fault, my fault._

Those words repeated in Mon-El’s mind over and over again as he stared at his hands. He was in his room, sitting on his bed, feeling the tears wetting his cheeks. He didn’t even know when exactly he’d started crying, but he had, and now he couldn’t stop.

_My fault, my fault, my fault._

He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He’d tried so hard. He’d tried so hard to make everything right, to save Kara, to prevent her death. And yet…he ended up being her doom. How was that possible? How could _he_ be the cause of her death when he loved her _so much?_

_My fault, my fault, my fault._

He didn’t want to live without her. All these years of being away from her showed him that. Only the hope of being with her again had gotten him through her absence. But now… How could he go back in time if it just resulted in her death? How could he let her die so that he could be with her? He couldn’t go back. That much he knew. He couldn’t risk it…and it hurt. It hurt more than he could’ve imagined, more than he was prepared for.

He only realized he wasn’t alone when the voices in his mind slowly calmed down, and he started feeling numb instead of pained. He lifted his head to find Imra standing at the door of his room.

“Mon-El—“ she started as she stepped inside, but he didn’t let her talk.

“I’m not going back,” he rushed forward before she could even say anything else. A painful look crossed her face. “I’m not—I’m not going back in time with you to save Kara.”

“You know that’s not possible,” Imra whispered, desperation lacing her voice. Mon-El shook his head fervently before he stood up.

“It’s possible. Isn’t saving Kara the purpose of the mission. If I—If I go back, she’ll die. I’m not going back. I won’t. I won’t let her die.” He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm himself down. He wouldn’t go back in time, and everything would be okay. Kara would be safe, she wouldn’t die, and even if he wouldn’t be able to be with her, that was okay. As long as she was alive, that would be okay.

“You have to come back with us, Mon-El,” Imra objected. “It would be too big of a change to timeline if you don’t.”

“Imra, I can’t. I _can’t.”_ Didn’t she understand him? He couldn’t be the reason of Kara’s death. He couldn’t. Period. “I can’t let Kara die because of me.”

“I know that. Mon-El, I know that.” She stepped in front of him, her gaze searing into him. She lightly put her hands on his shoulders. _I wish it didn’t have to be this way, Mon-El,_ she spoke to his mind, her voice a soft caress. Yet even that wasn’t enough to calm him down, and _that_ said something, because Imra was the strongest telepath he met in his life. Even J’onn couldn’t match up to her. _But you not going back could have unforeseen consequences, worse than Kara’s death._

“Nothing can be worse than Kara’s death.” He shook his head and turned around, looking at the wall to break the connection between Imra and him. She still found a way through his weak defenses.

_I know how that feels—_

“Do you?” He whirled around to look at her. Tears had already started to fill his eyes all over again. “Do you really know that, Imra? Have you ever lost someone that you loved? Have you ever had to face the fact that _you_ were the cause of their death?”

_Mon-El—_

“Garth is alive,” he continued without letting her interrupt him. His voice was shaking so much that his words were almost unintelligible. “He’s with you. You can touch him, you can hear him, you can _be with him._ And you can be sure that he won’t die in the near future. _How can you know how I feel?”_

_Because I can feel what you feel,_ Imra spoke to his mind, nothing angry in her voice. She stepped forward to put a hand on his chest, right over his heart. _I can feel your pain, Mon-El. I know how much it hurts, and I’m so sorry about it._

Mon-El pressed his lips together as he looked at the woman. He could see in her eyes that she understood. She understood him, and she maybe was the only one here that could understand him.

“Then you know why I can’t come with you,” he whispered, knowing if Imra couldn’t hear it, she’d be able to read the words from his mind. “You know why I can’t let Kara die because of me.”

“I know,” Imra said out-loud. “But I also know that we have to be very careful when we’re playing with time. We can’t make such a radical change and expect everything to turn out okay.” Mon-El felt his hope crushing. He shook away her hand as he walked away.

“You don’t understand.”

“Yes, I do,” Imra objected. “I do, Mon-El—“

“No, you don’t!” He took his head into his hands to calm the pounding in his head. He felt like he was suffocating, like the pain in his chest threatened to swallow him whole. “I can’t be the reason of her death, Imra. I can’t be the one taking away her life.”

“And you _won’t be,”_ she rushed forward, not letting him close himself off again. “We will find a way to prevent what happened. We won’t let Kara die saving you.”

He couldn’t help snorting at that. Yeah, as if there was anything that could stop Kara from saving anyone. “It won’t work. If Reign uses me as bait, Kara will come to save me, even if we somehow find a way to make her hate me. She tried to save my mother from death last year. She wouldn’t let anyone die if she can help it.”

“Then we will find a way to prevent Reign from kidnapping you.” Imra stepped to the side so that she could look at Mon-El’s eyes. He ducked his chin and shook his head, almost wanting to laugh at Imra’s determination. “We will find another way, Mon-El. We aren’t giving up.”

“Well, another way isn’t gonna work, okay?” he exploded finally, spreading his arms. “Unless we find a way to make Reign believe Kara and I aren’t close, she will kidnap me. You were the one that said she was too strong. And I… I don’t know how to push her away. I don’t know how to put distance between her and…” His voice trailed off when an idea popped into his head. An idea so crazy, so painful that he would’ve dismissed it immediately just yesterday. But today was different. Today, he’d take any idea that might save Kara, no matter how much it hurt him _or_ her. He’d rather her be heartbroken than dead.

Imra’s eyes widened when she read his plan from his mind. “No. Mon-El, _no._ ”

“This might be the only way, Imra,” he objected as he stepped forward, looking at her hopefully. “This might be our only chance to save her.”

“Do you have _any idea_ how crazy your plan sounds?” she hissed angrily. “I’m not even mentioning the fact that _we_ have to be the best actors in the world to execute it, but it’ll hurt both _you_ and _Kara_ deeply.”

“I know that,” Mon-El whispered. “And before you say, I also know that…that if we do this, there’s a chance Kara won’t want to have anything to do with me after everything is over. I’m willing to take that risk.” He was willing to do anything if it meant Kara was safe.

“You want _us_ to pretend like we’re _married,_ Mon-El,” Imra whispered. “Kara loves you, and you want us to show off our relationship to her.” He pressed his lips together and nodded curtly, not wanting to think about just how hard it would be to do that.

“It’ll hurt her enough that she won’t want to have anything to do with me,” he whispered, ignoring the ache in his heart. “That’ll put some distance between us, and when the time comes… Reign won’t kidnap me. She won’t use me as bait.” He was desperate enough to step forward and grab his hands as he pleaded. “Please. Help me with this, Imra. _Please_.” She searched his face warily.

_Are you sure about this?_ she asked him, her voice ringing in his mind. He nodded. _Do you know the risks?_

“Yes.” He felt Imra searching his mind, making sure he really knew what he was doing, and only then she nodded.

“Okay,” she whispered with defeat. “Okay. I’ll do this for you.” Relief washed over Mon-El’s shoulders. He nodded quickly. “But… Mon-El, I don’t want to see you hurt.”

He clenched his chin. “As long as Kara is okay,” he whispered back, hoping that repeating those words enough times would actually make him believe them. Imra nodded slowly, disbelievingly, yet she didn’t comment on it.

“I’ll go inform the others,” she said before leaving the room, yet she didn’t forget to give his hand a small squeeze. Mon-El almost collapsed onto the bed when he was alone, covering his face with his hands, trying not to cry with all his might.

_As long as Kara is okay,_ he thought, over and over again. _As long as Kara is okay._

He would be okay, too.


	13. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like this :)

_And in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness._

**\- F. Scott Fitzgerald**

* * *

**_16 th of April, 2018_ **

Kara’s nightly routine had recently become grabbing a bowl of ice cream from the fridge and sitting in front of the TV under a blanket, watching whatever was on TV that night. She’d caught up with so many different shows that it was ridiculous at this point.

And she _knew_ it was really bad when she could literally recall the names of every single girl on the Bachelor.

Yet still, every single night she found herself in the same place, watching the same kinds of ridiculous shows, because it was far better than the alternative. It was better than lying down on his bed and crying, or God forbid imagining what Imra and Mon-El might be doing.

She so did not need that kind of negativity.

She sighed, grabbing the box of ice cream from her fridge to start her routine for the night…at least until she heard a knock on the door. Well, that was unexpected. Who could’ve come at this time of the night anyway?

She reluctantly put the ice cream back in the fridge before walking to the door, not even bothering to look who it was before she pulled it open. And… Well, she could say, without hesitation, that she wasn’t expecting _Imra_ to be there. Imra, Mon-El’s wife, the person Kara had been avoiding for so long that she didn’t even think they exchanged more than a handful of words with each other. It was _Imra._

What was she doing there?

A small smile pulled the woman’s lips. “I’m guessing you didn’t expect to see me,” she stated, more a fact than a question. But of course she would know. She was a telepath, after all.

Kara managed to snap out of her thoughts then. “Yeah, I… I’m sorry. I didn’t think…” She couldn’t even find a logical ending to that sentence other than _we haven’t talked more than five words to each other, and I can’t think of a scenario where you would want to see me._ And since that would be extremely rude… “What are you doing here, Imra?” she opted to ask instead. Even saying the woman’s name made her stomach clench. The wound Mon-El left in her heart when he told her about his marriage still hadn’t completely healed.

“We need to talk,” the woman said, immediately jumping to the subject. Kara arched her brow…at least before she continued. “About Mon-El.”

The words felt like a punch in the gut for Kara. She laughed at first, thinking it must be a joke or something. Imra had known Mon-El far longer than she did. Imra was his wife. Was there really anything Kara could say to her about him that she didn’t already know?

“Are you… Are you serious? You want to talk to me about Mon-El?” Imra sighed and rolled her eyes briefly.

“It isn’t like that, Kara—“

_“What_ is it like?” Her voice was poisonous as she squeezed the door’s handle, enough that she heard the metal creak under her grip. She had to bite back her retort when she saw a hurt look flashing on Imra’s face. She must’ve only been looking for Mon-El’s best interest in the end. “Look, I’m sorry Imra, but I really don’t want to talk about Mon-El right now. I don’t really think there’s anything I can tell you about him that you already don’t know anyway—“

“We’re not married,” Imra interrupted her words, making her freeze. It took her a couple of seconds to process the words.

_“What?”_ Imra sighed before she spoke, yet even then her words sounded too distant to Kara. It couldn’t be true. What Imra claimed… It couldn’t be true. It seemed too much like something that jumped out of her dreams, and she knew how much believing in dreams hurt. She couldn’t let herself believe the truth of it…but what if it was true?

“I know it’s hard to believe,” Imra said, walking past Kara to enter her house, “but Mon-El and I had never been married. We just pretended like we were to keep you safe.” Kara felt like she was in a dream, so much so that Imra had to step forward to close the door. _To keep you safe…_ What would Mon-El need to keep her safe from that he would fake a marriage? Didn’t he already know that she was hurting _so damn much?_

“I don’t understand,” she whispered, shaking her head. It didn’t make any sense. What Imra said… She couldn’t understand it.

Imra must’ve seen that too. She must’ve seen she wouldn’t get anywhere with words, so instead… Kara felt her presence entering her mind, and then it wasn’t Imra that she was seeing. She found herself in Imra’s memories, seeing them through her eyes, watching as her story unfolded, slowly piecing everything together.

There was a time she’d thought nothing Mon-El had been through could make sense. The marriage, meeting the Legion, coming from the future… It seemed too fantastical, too _crazy_ to be true. Until now. Until she’d _actually_ found out what happened to him.

Tears had already filled her eyes as she covered her mouth with her hand. She’d been wrong. She’d been so wrong. She thought that he forgot her, that he didn’t love her anymore, but everything that he did— _everything—_ was so that she could live. The fake marriage, the staying away from her, the reluctance to even talk to her… It was all because he loved her, and he didn’t want Reign to use him as bait to kill her. She could see, even in Imra’s memories, that it would _destroy_ him if that happened.

She blinked her tears away to look at Imra. “Is this real?” she asked, even though she knew the answer to it. It was too emotional to be fake.

Imra just clenched her teeth and nodded. “I… I didn’t want to agree with his plan, Kara. I never meant to hurt either of you. But he was so distraught with your death being his fault that… I was afraid rejecting him would make him spiral. I couldn’t risk it.”

Oh yeah. Kara could _definitely_ see that. Imra had shown her every bit of Mon-El’s pain and fear, even more than what she needed in order to understand the severity of the situation. A shudder went through her. “He did it all…for me?”

“He couldn’t let you die because of him.” _It wouldn’t be his fault,_ Kara thought, and Imra smiled at that. She must’ve read her mind. “I know that as well as you, but… He can’t get that, Kara. I’ve urged him, multiple times now, to come clean with the truth. But he’s far too scared to consider that.” Kara started nodding at first, understanding Imra, until she stopped. She narrowed her eyes at the woman.

“Then why did you tell me the truth?” she couldn’t help asking. “If Mon-El didn’t want it…”

“Because I think it might be our best chance in saving you,” she suggested with a half-smile. “Because I can’t stand seeing Mon-El hurt anymore. Because he needs you right now more than he realizes, and I think you need him too.” She stepped forward, catching Kara’s eyes with an intense gaze. “Please, Kara.” She was outright pleading now. “Don’t hold what he did against him. He was just trying to protect you the only way he knew how.”

Kara searched Imra’s eyes, and then slowly she nodded. How could she hold anything against him when she would’ve done the exact same thing in his position? How could she blame him when she understood him perfectly? Right now… Right now she just wanted to go to him, pull him into a tight embrace, and tell him just how much she appreciated everything that he did and how much she _still_ loved him.

A smile pulled Imra’s lips as she must’ve read her thoughts. “I’ll leave you to it, then,” she said, offering Kara another smile before she walked to the front door and left the apartment.

Kara didn’t miss one second before she reached for her phone and sent a text to Mon-El.


	14. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like this :)

_There are nights I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to put my head in my pillow so no one hears me._  
_There are also nights I'm happy that you're happy and I think everything happens for a reason._  
_And there are also nights where I feel nothing at all._

_But there is never a night you don't cross my mind._

* * *

_**16 th of April, 2018 ** _

The knock came no more than five minutes later. Kara lifted her head from the cookie platter she’d prepared to look at the door, her heart jumping in her chest. “The door is unlocked.”

Mon-El rushed forward as she just placed the coffees and cookies on a tray and turned around. His frantic eyes didn’t even survey the room before turning to her, as if he knew _exactly_ where she was. “Kara.” Her name was nothing but a whisper on his lips. He rushed forward, and she knew, from that moment, that every plan he had in his mind to stay away from her was forgotten. In his worry for her, he’d forgotten to put up his walls and shut her out.

Granted, she _had_ sent him a cryptic text asking him to come to her house, but still…

She couldn’t do anything as she watched Mon-El stand in front of her, his eyes traveling on her body, his hands moving up his arms to grasp her shoulders. “Are you okay?” he asked, his thumbs grazing her neck. She shivered at his touch. “Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?”

She took his wrists in her hands before he could get far. “I’m fine, Mon-El.” She slowly dropped his hand down. She already didn’t know how to start this conversation; she didn’t need his touch distracting her. “I just…needed to talk to you about something.” She stared at the cup of coffee on the counter, wishing alcohol could actually affect her and she could have some liquid courage. Boy, she needed courage now.

“…talk to me?” Mon-El asked, confusion tinting his voice. But of course he would be confused. After months of semi avoiding him, semi trying to be friends with him, for her to ask just out of the blue if they could talk… It must’ve been unusual. Even though she knew that he loved her now. Confessing that she knew everything still wouldn’t be easy.

And when something wasn’t easy… The best way to do it was to usually get it over with quickly. Just like ripping off a band-aid, right? Granted, it was like a giant-sized band-aid, but a band-aid still.

“I know,” she blurted out, playing with the sleeve of her sweater as she looked at him through her lashes. She felt Mon-El freeze.

“What?” he asked, even though she was pretty sure he knew the answer to his question. She looked up only then, her eyes finding his, and somehow the words came out of his mouth easier than she thought they would.

“I know that your marriage with Imra is fake,” she started, straightening up her shoulders. “I know you did it to keep me away from yourself. And I know… I know why you did it.” Her voice had become merely a whisper by the time she stopped. She could see the shock that had splashed on Mon-El’s face, but other than that he was stoic. Oh no. She so should’ve figured out a better way to say this.

She tried to gulp over the knot in her throat and gestured at the coffee and cookies. “Do you—Do you want to sit and talk? I prepared coffee and cookies—“

“No.” That was the only word Mon-El could say. He shook his head vehemently, stepping back, holding onto the kitchen island as if he didn’t trust his knees to carry him. Something cracked in Kara’s chest. “No, you can’t know. You—“

“Mon-El—“ she tried to say, tried to reach forward, but he pulled back so suddenly that one of her stools fell down. He didn’t even seem to notice that.

“You weren’t supposed to know. You weren’t…” It seemed like he was talking to himself more than her. Yet she didn’t back down. She couldn’t back down when it seemed like Mon-El had gone into a complete panic mode.

“Mon-El,” she said softly, stepping closer to him—enough to make her presence known, but still giving him his breathing space. His frantic eyes finally found hers, and he stepped back again—one more step, and his back would be flushed with the wall. “Let’s just talk about this, okay? There’s no need to freak out right now.”

He only shook his head to her words. “No…”

“I’ve got some cookies and coffee, okay?”

“Stop—“

“We can sit on the couch and talk about this. We can—“

“I don’t want to!” he finally exploded, crashing into the wall, and tried to hold onto her drawer to steady herself. Kara jumped with the intensity of his voice. “You can’t know. Kara, you shouldn’t know.” He covered his mouth to suppress his sobs, and Kara could almost see it right in front of her eyes: he was breaking down. Imra had been right when she said fear paralyzed Mon-El. He was so scared of losing her, so scared of the possibility of her death, that he couldn’t even think properly. He couldn’t sit down and plan, he couldn’t realize that her knowing all about this could actually help them prevent her death. But it wasn’t only that.

He was also _terrified_ of himself being the reason of her death.

He slid down the wall, sitting down with his arms wrapped around his legs, before she could do anything. “I ca-can’t lose you,” he murmured, so quietly that she would never be able to hear if she didn’t have super-hearing. “I tried so hard. I can’t _lose_ you.”

She had to blink her tears away before she knelt down in front of him, holding his wrists softly to pull his hands away from his face. His eyes were shining with unshed tears as he looked up at him, his walls completely broken down to reveal a hurt, desperate, but ultimately caring person. He didn’t hurt her out of malice or anything, and that moment was the proof of that. He was only trying to keep her safe in the only way he knew…and after being a superhero for more than two years, she couldn’t find it in herself to blame him.

“You won’t lose me,” she promised, squeezing his hands for encouragement. “Okay? I promise you. We will figure out a way to save me. We will figure all of this out.” He searched her eyes for a lie…only to come up with nothing. He shook his head helplessly.

“How?” He’d spent for so long believing that staying away from her was the only way to save her that…she could understand why this was so hard to accept. But she just offered him an understanding, patient smile.

“As long as we’re together, we can do anything.”

There was so much conviction in her voice that even Mon-El, with tears streaming down his face and sobs lining his throat, nodded at her words. Right before he finally started crying.

She didn’t wait one second before pulling him into his embrace.

(And they’d been so wrapped up with each other that neither of them noticed the person hovering right outside Kara’s window, watching the interaction unfold right in front of her eyes.)


	15. Lost

_i only ever thought_  
_there were two kinds of love:_  
_the kind you would kill for and_  
_the kind you would die for._  
_but you, my darling,_  
_you were the kind of love_  
i _would live for_

* * *

**_22 nd of May, 2018_ **

Mon-El’s heart was pounding in his chest as he watched the woman in front of her tighten the chains around him. Reign had a stoic look on her face, emotionless and cold, if he didn’t count the glint of excitement in her eyes. An excitement coming from finally having the chance to kill her nemesis. To kill Kara, and show everyone that she was the most powerful being on earth. To rule and _reign,_ just as she was _made_ to.

Mon-El, normally, wouldn’t be as worried as he was now about this situation. He would know that no matter what Kara would come and save him. He would never doubt Kara’s power…if today wasn’t the day that she was supposed to die. If he didn’t know that Reign would be successful in her plan.

“Please,” he begged one last time, his voice a mere whisper. He couldn’t even move, due to the lead chains wrapped around him, yet that didn’t stop him from trying. To stop Reign, one way or another. “Don’t do this.”

Reign just smiled up at him. “And why shouldn’t I?” she asked, her gaze amused…pitying. Mon-El gulped over the knot in his throat.

“Kara told me you used to be friends.” At this point, it was plain fact that Reign knew Supergirl’s real identity. “You wouldn’t want to hurt her, right?” _Please. Please don’t hurt her. Please don’t take her away from me._

“Samantha was Kara’s friend,” Reign explained nonchalantly, as if it was no big deal for her. “And Samantha is dead. Besides…” She narrowed her eyes at the Daxamite. “Did you say that because you think _I_ cared about Kara, or because _you_ love her so much that you don’t want her to die?” He couldn’t say anything to that, his stomach churning painfully. Reign’s smile just widened at that. “Just as I thought.”

“Please,” he begged again as Reign turned around to walk to the side of the building, watching the skies. “Please, Reign.”

But she wasn’t listening to him. She’d shut himself out and instead was scouring the city for Supergirl, waiting for her to come, preparing herself for the kill.

Mon-El didn’t know where exactly they’d gone so wrong. He and Kara… They’d been so careful. They didn’t go out together, they spent minimal time together, and even in the DEO, they stayed as far away from each other as possible, just in case. The only time they were actually together were the nights they spent at Kara’s home, and Reign… If she wasn’t scouting Kara’s house, she couldn’t have known about it.

They never really thought she’d be scouting Kara’s house.

And it might…it might cost them everything.

He hoped that Kara wouldn’t come. Despite knowing her, he truly hoped that she would stay away, knowing what would happen to her if she came. He knew she wouldn’t let anyone, especially someone that she loved, die if she could help it…but this was different. He’d face death every single day if it meant Kara was alive.

That was all he could think, all he could focus on, but of course… Of course, Kara was Kara, and he couldn’t even feel surprised when she appeared at the front of the building, flying to face Reign. His heart dropped. She’d come to save him, she’d come to protect him, and now…

“Kara, no…” he whispered, even as Supergirl’s attention was fixed solely on Reign.

“Let him go, Samantha,” she told the villain, her fists clenched at her sides. _No,_ Mon-El thought again. _No. Go away, Kara. Go away. Please._ “He doesn’t have anything to do with this.”

“He’s your boyfriend,” was Reign’s only answer. “And my name isn’t Samantha.”

With that she charged on Kara, and the Kryptonian barely avoided the deathly hit.

They were matching each other blow-by-blow, both of them strengthened by the yellow sun, both of them fiercely fighting for their respective causes. Reign trying to establish her _reign_ , and Kara…protecting someone she loved. Protecting…until death.

“Don’t, Kara!” he yelled, struggling with his chains, even as they burned his skin. “Go. Leave me. Please. Go!” He begged until his voice was nothing more than a hoarse choke, until his vision was blurry with tears, until his arms felt bloody wherever the chains touched him. Even then he continued begging, because Kara… She was more important than anything else. She was the most important thing to him.

“Please,” he pleaded as he watched Reign land a punch on Kara’s face. “Don’t,” he said as she grabbed the Kryptonian’s collar and dangled her off the roof. _“Please.”_ But Reign’s hands were already wrapped in Kara’s hair. She flashed him a vicious smile, and then she twisted Kara’s neck in such a way that even _he,_ with his not-so-super hearing, could hear it. She broke Kara’s neck…and with it, his heart too.

_“No…”_

Kara’s body fell down the roof, separated from her head with Reign’s brute strength. “No…” Mon-El’s words were only a silent plea, as he felt like he lost his voice. _No, no, no._ That was all he could focus on. No, this wasn’t supposed to happen. No, Kara couldn’t be dead. No, he couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t live without her. He’d tried so hard, _they’d_ tried so hard to save her, and now…and now…

Reign spun around and walked towards him, every one of her steps ringing in Mon-El’s years. Yet all his focus was on Kara’s head. Kara’s _head,_ dangling down Reign’s fingers from her hair, her eyes wide yet…emotionless. Dead. She was _dead._

“Kara…” He didn’t even feel his lips move as Reign lifted Kara’s head, so that she was eye to eye with him. Her head was eye to eye with him. He shook his head as he felt tears blurring his eyes again. _No. Please. Kara. No._ “No…”

“Here’s your mighty Supergirl, Mon-El,” Reign said, amusement tinting her voice. Mon-El couldn’t take his eyes off of Kara’s eyes. “Reduced to nothing but a useless body. _Pathetic.”_ She then threw the head to the ground, right by his feet, even letting it roll there for a couple of seconds before she stepped away.

Mon-El didn’t even feel himself fall to her knees, but in a couple of seconds, he was down, his eyes searching Kara’s face for a hint of life—as pathetic as that was. He longed to reach for her, he longed to touch her, but because of the stupid chains around his arms, he couldn’t do anything. Just as he couldn’t do anything to save her.

Tears fell over his eyes like a curtain, blurring his vision so much that he didn’t even notice Kara’s head dissolving into nothing until much later. One second it was there and then the next… He blinked, looking around, thinking Reign must’ve gotten it—he had to find it, and somehow figure out a way to put her body back together, to bring her back to life, _somehow—_ but instead, he saw a red and blue blur shooting at Reign’s direction. She slammed the villain into the wall, knocking her head harshly, before she injected something into her. Something green that Mon-El couldn’t even see, because he was too focused on the superhero. On the woman, in her familiar blue and red suit, the woman who should be dead but was very much alive…

Kara leaned in to talk to Reign, even as the latter lost consciousness. “I’m not letting you hurt my friends again,” she hissed. “Ever.” And then she dropped Reign’s body to the floor.

Mon-El scrambled up to his feet, his eyes on Kara, trying to process what was happening. She shouldn’t be alive—he’d _watched_ her die—and yet…she was. She was standing above Reign’s body, looking down at it. It was her spinning around to face Mon-El, and it was her eyes that pierced his soul. It should be impossible, but she was alive. _She was alive._

He didn’t even know how he started moving, but then he was scrambling to her side even with the chains, wanting to touch her, needing to touch her, to feel her, to know that she was very much real.

She was moving towards him too, her steps albeit surer. And when they met… Her hands immediately went up to break his chains.

It took her two tries just because of her shaky fingers.

“I’m sorry,” she was apologizing in the process, her voice tear-strained. “I’m sorry. We didn’t have a choice, Mon-El. I didn’t want to accept it, but we didn’t have a choice. We couldn’t risk you. I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t get what she was saying, but he didn’t care. He barely even felt the chains falling to the floor; he could only look at Kara. Tears had filled her eyes too. “I’m sorry. Mon-El…”

He didn’t let her say another word before he stepped forward and wrapped her in his embrace. And he could touch her. He could actually touch her, hear her heartbeat, and feel her fingers running up and down his back. She was there. _She was there,_ she hadn’t died, she… _He_ didn’t cause her death. He didn’t kill her.

It was such a relief that he would’ve certainly fallen down if Kara wasn’t holding him. “I’m sorry,” she continued saying, even though he had no idea what she was apologizing for. “I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t even offer her reassuring words, not even as he pulled back, wanting to see her eyes, those eyes that were filled with so much life that they almost erased the image of her dead face. “How?” he couldn’t help asking, his hands still grasping her waist. He feared that she would slip from his fingers if he let her go so much that he couldn’t move away. “I watched you die. Reign… How?” Honestly, he didn’t care at this point. He just needed to know, so that he could make sure this wasn’t a dream too good to be true.

Kara grasped his arms and shook her head. “It was… It was Imra’s idea,” she started. “She thought that…that if we made Reign think that she killed me, she would be unprepared for another attack. She, and J’onn, and J’onn’s father came together to…to create a vision of our fight for Reign, but… You were with her, Mon-El. You were in the radius of the vision they created, and Imra… She couldn’t risk excluding you. It would require too much power.” She pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep her sobs down. “I never wanted you to watch me die. I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry. I’m sorr—“

He didn’t let her finish the words as he hugged her again. “It’s okay,” he whispered. God, this was…this was more than okay. This was _everything._ “I understand. It’s okay.” It was…brilliant, honestly. They didn’t exactly change the future, but they adapted it. They adapted it so that Kara could live. So that she was alive right now, in his arms. “All that matters is that you’re here. You’re with me.” Tears filled his eyes all over again. “You’re _with me.”_ He tightened his grip around her just to make sure of that.

Kara laughed softly. “Yeah. I’m here,” she promised. “Always.”


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so sorry for the late update, but i've been having really hectic couple of weeks in school (that's what happens when you have to write 4 essays and study for 6 exams simultaneously) and i could barely do anything other than studying :/ but ANYWAY, i hope you like this short little epilogue :)

“Well,” Imra said as she looked at the repaired time-ship in front of them. “I guess this is it.”

“Yeah.” Mon-El offered her a small smile as his one arm tightened around Kara. It was hard to say goodbye to the telepath. He knew that her home was in the future, and he belonged in 2018 with Kara, but… He had spent the last seven years of his life with the Legion. They’d given him a home when he had lost his. He didn’t want to let go of that.

But he wanted to stay with Kara more. After everything that had happened… He planned to glue himself to her so that no one else could ever separate them.

“How do you think the future will be now that Kara isn’t dead?” he couldn’t help asking, albeit jokingly. “Not post-apocalyptic, I hope.”

_“Mon-El,”_ Kara warned him, lightly hitting him in the chest. “Don’t jinx it. The future will be just as beautiful as you can imagine.”

“You think you are _that_ important for the future?”

“Hush. Don’t ruin this moment.” Kara sent Mon-El a glare before turning to Imra, sneaking out of his embrace to hug the woman. “I wish you could’ve stayed a bit more.” The Kryptonian was pouting as she pulled back. It was incredible just how close she and Imra had gotten once this fake marriage was out of the way. It was even more incredible that Kara actually forgave _him_ for it.

Imra laughed and nodded. “Yeah, I think it’s time we go home.” She looked at her husband, Garth, who was currently gushing about something with Winn. “We’d been away too long.”

“Yeah.” Kara shot a glance at Mon-El. “Yeah, I get that.” He offered her a small but reassuring smile before he turned to Imra too.

“Thank you, Imra,” he said, his voice thick. “For everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done if—“

“Bup bup bup.” Imra stopped him before he could get far. “No bad thoughts. I don’t want you to think about if’s and maybe’s anymore, okay? You’re happy, and that’s all that matters.” She smiled at him, her eyes for once untroubled. “Come here, you big dumbass,” she said as she spread her arms for a hug.

Mon-El didn’t refuse her.

“Take care, Imra,” he whispered as he pulled back. “And have that happy life you always told me about. You deserve it.” Imra’s face lit up with that thought as she realized she wasn’t returning to a post-apocalyptic future anymore.

“I will. You do not have to worry about that.” She extended her hand to Garth as he joined her, offering Kara and Mon-El a huge grin and a wave. “And Mon-El? You have that happiness, too.”

Mon-El wrapped his arm around Kara’s waist and pulled her close. “I will,” he promised, at first watching Imra and Garth board the ship, but then facing Kara. She was smiling one of her brightest smiles. “I will.”


End file.
